Hey there, and welcome back to another episode of the profitable mindset podcast.
Welcome to the profitable mindset. A show dedicated to teaching you the skills you need to build a profitable product-based business that makes you feel free and fully in control. Here’s your host, Charlotte Smith. Hey there. Welcome to episode number 32 of the profitable mindset podcast,
all about why we feel this constant need to prove ourselves on our farms and in our families and in our businesses because it’s so exhausting. So if it’s so exhausting, why do we keep doing that? All right, I’m going to give you some help today. I coach one-on-one with about 15 private clients a week and hundreds of farmers in my group coaching, and this has been over several years, and I have observed this pattern among farmers that’s holding many of us back from feeling good in life. It’s holding us back from being more successful. It’s holding us back from just feeling a sense of fulfillment and it’s also holding us back from being more profitable. So it’s this constant churning in our life. But the thing is, my clients think that they’re coming to me with something else. They don’t realize what the problem is.
They don’t think they have a problem having to prove themselves. They can’t see that yet. That is an automatic pattern of behavior they aren’t really aware of and it’s just often under the surface. The problem many of you come to me with is that you’re feeling overwhelmed by all the things you have to do. And do you have a problem because other people aren’t acting in the way you need, whether that’s spouses or family or employees or customers. And you come to me because you think the problem is your farm and all the things you have to do there. And that’s overwhelming. The challenge with feeling this lack of ability to get it all done is that feeling drives all of our actions. Emotion drives action. So if you’re feeling overwhelmed, the feeling of overwhelmed drives no action or it drives negative actions like beating yourself up and trying to prove yourself.
So if you live in a negative state, you’ve got negative feelings most of your day. Doubt, insecurity, exhaustion, overwhelm, anxious. What you want to know is that you are now taking action because of those feelings that is getting you where at the very least or worse, it’s digging you deeper into a hole of feeling terrible, okay? So know that if you feel stress in your day and anxiety and frustration and overwhelm and doubt and fear or disown, disorganized or like you don’t measure up, you will never be able to do the things you need to do. Like for instance, raising your prices or setting a sustainable price. If you feel that way in your day, you won’t do your marketing posts. You won’t send emails to the extent that you should be. You will live in constant fear of people complaining or challenging you or attacking you.
Or if someone doesn’t like something you’re doing and complaints about it, you bend over backwards to make them happy, okay? That is the action. These are all actions driven by negative feelings in your day. Or maybe you know, you need to set boundaries with a customer or your family, but you feel terrible so you suffer instead and just keep accepting, feeling like people are taking advantage of you. What’s happening here is so many of you see your farm business, your products, your husband or your wife’s behavior or everyone else’s behavior around you as a reflection of your worth as a person or you see your home and it’s level of disarray or perfect cleanliness as a reflection of your worth as a person. I remember when I was younger in my twenties thinking that the size of my house and the kind of car I drove was a reflection of my worth.
Some people I know think that owning a tractor means you’re more worthy farmer than the next guy. So I know you can connect with some of these examples on some level because I hear from so many of you, this is happening in your life. Some of you see your kid’s level of learning when you homeschool or maybe their lack of being at grade level as a reflection of your worth as a person. And on and on. You get the idea what ends up happening as we see everything in our life as trying to prove or as disproving our value and our worth, what’s happening you guys as this is killing our dreams, it’s making life day to day, really UNPRI unpleasant. It’s making us physically sick. So why do we do it? Okay, I’m going to get to that in the rest of the episode, but first I want to stop and read a review because I think this review is just so timely with this topic today.
Plus, I really love the name of the reviewer. The reviewer is titled, the five star review is titled a godsend, and it’s by poppies and sweet peas. Isn’t that the most darling name? I’m sure this must be a flower farmer. They have the best names, huh? And her five star review says, I can’t emphasize enough how helpful Charlotte’s podcast has been. Not only has she transformed my dreams into a very likely reality, she has changed the way I view myself, my family, my relationships, and of course my business. I’ve listened to every episode twice by now because I just can’t get enough. Thank you, Charlotte. Well, you are so welcome. And today’s episode, you’re going to want to listen to twice or maybe more because you’ve spent a lifetime getting to the place you are right now and it’s going to take us some time to unravel it, but we can certainly do it.
And it is. Life is so rewarding when you finally unravel these things that are holding you back. Okay, so back to why do we do this? Why do we constantly feel like we have to prove our worth and our value? Well, we’ve been socialized to question our worth and value in every way since we were tiny, since we were little kids. We’ve been taught from a young age that our worth depends on other people’s evaluation of us. And it was well, meaning parents, well-meaning teachers, and every well-meaning adult in our life taught us this and socialized us to think this. So they were well meaning, but it’s not working for us to think that our worth depends on other people’s evaluation of us is, uh, just gonna. Gonna hold it gonna continue to hold us back if we don’t move past that. So from a young age we were, maybe we got a C plus on a report card and were told that, Oh, next time you’ll do better, you’ll get an a and then I’ll give you a dollar or I’ll take you out for an ice cream cone.
Like you’re more worthy as a human being if you get an a versus a C. Plus. How many of us were conditioned in that way? Or have you ever heard you need to act like a lady or you need to stop acting like a hellion? Okay. These kinds of messages are telling us that our behavior and is is creating our worth and our value in life. Or do you remember being in middle school, especially if you were a girl and you found out you weren’t wearing the right brand of jeans or you had to wear the right shoes, or maybe you showed up to middle school in clothes made by your mom and all of a sudden you realized, Oh shoot, people are making fun of me for that. So you were ridiculed and you learned, you were taught that you were valuable until you wore the right clothes or got the right grades or hung around the right people.
And then to add to all this, we’re taught, especially as women, but men too, but especially as women, we’re taught that how our body looks to other people matters way more than how it feels to us. We still struggle with this. I’ve done this work for many, many years now and I still struggle with, Oh, should I let my hair go gray and what are other people gonna think and then I got to stop and bring myself back because I’ve been conditioned that how I look to other people matters more than how I feel. I know you can relate. Are you even aware this is happening? I became aware of this probably 20 years ago or a little more because I was living in such overwhelm. At that time. I was frazzled. I had two little kids. I seem to have it all on the outside, but I was so unhappy on the inside and I started exploring why am I feeling this way?
I think I’ve done all of that I’m supposed to do and this searching 20 years ago led to further education and certification and it’s how I ended up trained in exactly what I do for you all today because I’ve had to overcome all that social conditioning that led to me having a miserable life instead of where it is today. So many of us don’t realize that we’re trying to prove our worth because it’s just part of our socialization from a very young age and we’re taught again, especially as women, that making other people happy is more important than making our ourselves happy. Okay? That’s why most of us are not practicing the self care that should come first. That supports us having the thoughts about ourselves. We’re not doing that because we’re taught that making other people happy is more important than making ourselves happy and the most important thing is that other people like us and approve of that or approve of us.
That’s what we’ve been taught. Can you relate to this? Now just think how you feel when you get a low number of likes on a social media post or you look at that farmer social media post and they got 10 times the likes you did. How does that make you feel? Like they’re more valuable, more worthy than you in some cases, and this is happening very subconsciously in our brains, but we’re doing this because we’ve been conditioned that other people approving of you determines your value. So then you live in this state of feeling like you constantly have to get that proof. So we end up relying on external validation to prove our worth over our own internal experience. As you can imagine by now, this puts us into a never ending loop of trying to prove ourselves in order to feel good about ourselves and our worth.
This is hurting us physically, mentally, emotionally, financially. It hurts us in all ways. I have so much compassion for my clients when they come to me and they explain, this is how they’re feeling so much compassion. And when you learn to turn this around, you realize life is about so much more than what it has been till now. It’s amazing how life becomes fulfilling when you can put this behind you, but it’s hard to put us behind it behind us because we’ve been living this way for decades. Most of us. The problem with this model of trying to prove to other people our validity and our value and our worth is our thoughts create our feelings. So only a thought that I have in my head can create my feeling of self worth. So other people’s approval of me, my prices, my products, other people liking my social media posts or other people commenting on my ability to farm or other people complimenting my looks or my house or my kids can not in any way make us feel good.
It only feels good to us because we stop and have a thought about it. That creates a feeling inside of us. So I want to make sure you really get that other people approving of you is not what’s making you feel good. It’s because they say something and you have a thought about what they say that makes you feel good on the inside. When I want to tell you is this feeling good on the inside about yourself is available to you right now. No matter what other people say or think about you or no matter if people don’t say anything to you ever, it is totally available to you right now to feel good because our thoughts create our feelings. Nobody else can create a feeling inside of us, so I’m hoping you will learn that this is available to you, that you can start choosing thoughts that make you feel good instead of bad instead of constantly exhausting yourself trying to get validation of your worth from other people because that is not possible.
Then what happens is we end up living in complete exhaustion and and we’re still unhappy and we’re wondering will I ever get to a place of feeling good or like I was feeling 20 years ago. Is this all there is? I just run around like a, like a crazy chicken with its head cut off trying to prove myself to other people and I still feel bad. Is this all there is or we think that it’s our husbands fault or that we live in the wrong location or if only our farm looked like that other farm over there, then we’ll feel better. Even if that over there is on Instagram and probably doesn’t even exist. Or sometimes we think, Oh if only I change website platforms, I got the wrong website, that’s my problem, then we’ll feel better. But no, no, this is not true at all.
When we think there’s something wrong with us so that we have to prove our worth and our value, we suddenly make our value and our self worth as a human, a morality issue. Like there’s something wrong with me because I don’t look perfect. Or if someone complains about our prices or our products, we make it a moral issue that we aren’t good enough because of that complaint or because that person expressed unhappiness. So then we reinforce this constant looping of seeking external validation, especially from everyone else in our life, including our customers or random passers by or the stranger who likes us on social media. We’re seeking validation constantly from people we know or don’t know, looking everywhere outside of us to prove our worth, which of course translates to anxiety, people pleasing, self doubt, exhaustion and overwhelm because it can’t work. It’s never going to work.
No one else can make you feel good about yourself except that we’ve been conditioned to think that’s the answer, but it doesn’t work that way. You didn’t marry your spouse so they can make you feel good about yourself. You get to feel good about yourself first and then you think your spouse is amazing just the way they are. You don’t criticize them for not making you feel a certain way. When you release your spouse from the responsibility of making you feel good, then you get to a place of complete acceptance of them and love and admiration just flow out of you and your relationship gets better. You see that when you start feeling good about yourself and your value just because you exist, your relationships improve. Your marriage is amazing. Unfortunately, in our society we’re taught that the opposite is true and that other people and other things outside of you are responsible for how you feel about yourself.
But I’m telling you that when you own that only you can make yourself feel a feeling. Then you’re on the first step of the path to feeling fulfilled about everything you do in life, even if it’s a mistake or a failure. Yes, if you fail at something, it didn’t work out, you can feel, still have this feeling of complete fulfillment in life because you know that your worth and your value are set in stone at a hundred percent no matter if you failed at something. What that means is the more you fail, the more you get towards your big goal. So the more you reach success, the more you fail, and if you have self worth and value, you feel that way inside of you. You feel good about yourself, you’re willing to fail so much more, which means you’ll get to success faster. But when you believe that your own moral value is wrapped up in how you come across to others, either known people or these imagined people, when you’re very right to exist is on the line in your own mind.
You’ll always be in emotional drama when it comes to the actions you need to take on a daily basis, whether that’s creating your pricing structure or sending marketing emails or posts, or asking for help or accepting help, or finally practicing self care. Okay? You will be in emotional drama about doing those things because you think your moral worth is wrapped up in how others think about you. So whether you get one like or a hundred likes will make you feel like someone is deciding whether you are a good enough person to be considered worthy to exist, and whether or not someone complains of your price or places an order or not, you let that determine your worthiness and your value. Or here’s another example I hear. If you lose the last 10 pounds or if you’re 50 pounds overweight, you’re using that to determine if you’re a worthy or valuable or good enough person.
And if someone complains or doesn’t do what you want, you’ll feel like they are devaluing you as a human. So as all this sounding familiar, I’m sure it is to a lot of you because like I said, it’s what most of my clients bring to me and that is now hundreds of people. So I’ve seen this pattern, I’ve struggled with it myself. So I know a lot of you that are listening are relating to this and there is so much hope for you. Here’s what you need to know. Your appearance, your farm, the products you sell, your kids, the number of people who open your emails or not, or the number of people who like your posts or not. This value is not your moral value. And if you’re feeling bad about those things, it’s because you’ve turned it into your moral value. But the truth is you have inherent value and worth simply because you exist.
You don’t ever need to do anything. You don’t ever need to prove your value and your self worth. Let me say it again. You are inherently valuable and worthy. Just because you exist, there is nothing you can do to lessen your value and self worth. Nothing you can do will lessen that. Maybe you didn’t do a good job educating homeschooling your kids this year. Guess what? You’re still 100% valuable and worthy just because you exist. Maybe you oversold your product and you have to tell some people, know your value and worth is still 100% and if you don’t choose to believe this at some point in your life, you’ll never get off that exhausting. Merry go round and and, and it ends up being a downward spiral. What this means too is you’re not less of a person because no one opened your emails. You’re not less valuable because no one ordered your products or nobody came back from last season.
All right, so let me repeat it. If you’re a mess, if your house is a mess, if your farm and kid’s education is a mess, if your products are a mess, your store’s a mess. If your marriage is a mess, you are not less valuable or worthy. You are 100% valuable and worthy just because you exist. Even if you think your life is not where it should be, it’s really important you, uh, try to consider embracing this belief. It will change your life. It’s the only way you’re going to get out of exhaustion and overwhelm. Now, I choose to believe this and because our beliefs create our results in our lives and on our farms, that belief serves me way better than the belief that I constantly have to prove my worth to others. That belief will keep you stuck in this downward spiral of trying to make everything just right on the outside so that other people approve or so they don’t expect or express disapproval.
The problem is other people are too busy living their own lives to make your feeling valued a priority, not to mention it’s impossible. You can only feel worthy and valuable because of a thought. You are thinking not because other people say the right thing to you or open your emails or place another order. Your worth and your value is just a thought you have about yourself. It’s a thought you have. It’s not what you have or how your behave or if you go to church or not, your value is what you decide to think in your head about it. When your thought is that you’re devalued because of something in your life or in your past or because of how your kids behave or because you haven’t proved yourself enough yet today, then you’ll always be unhappy, unfulfilled. You’ll feel awful and you will have a struggling business.
So this is fascinating to me. When I discovered this years ago, your business success depends on how you think about your own worth and value. Like I can look at someone’s business success and know how they feel about themselves. All right? You can’t feel like you constantly have to prove yourself and have a successful, profitable, sustainable business. So if your is floundering, the first step is to take a look at what’s going on in your head, which is probably so automatic that you didn’t even realize it was determining your outcome. It’s just, it’s under the surface. These thoughts that are holding you back are often, you don’t recognize them yet. So this is what I do. I spend a few hours every day showing my one on one clients or in a group coaching session, how these automatic thoughts in their heads are holding them back.
Once they realize, once they discover what those thoughts are, they can start to turn that around that. And it’s decades and decades of socialization. So if you’re wondering, well, why can’t you just flip a switch and start thinking you’re a hundred percent where they invaluable and you have nothing to prove to anyone ever. Well, it’s because you’ve had decades of thinking, the opposite due to social conditioning. You have deeply ingrained thinking patterns in your brain that you’ve got to retrain. It’s totally possible, but it takes time and effort. Those of you with animals, think of it, retraining your brain to think in a positive way or a more resourceful way. Think of it like an animal who developed a bad habit. For instance, maybe it’s a dog who pees in the house, or you have a horse that won’t walk through water. Or maybe you’ve got a dairy cow that kicks the claw off.
This is an automatic behavior ingrained in that animal’s brain. They don’t even have to think about it anymore. To do that, and you can invest time and learning to retrain them. I’ve trained, retrained animals doing all those things that the dog peed in the house, the horse that wouldn’t go through water and the dairy. I’ve had plenty of dairy cows. It came with a bad habit of kicking the claw off and we’ve retrained them. So if you’ve done that, you know it takes time and energy and focus, retraining your own brain to think productively and resourcefully same process. Your brain has developed automatic thinking habits and those automatic thinking habits are costing you a fulfilling and pleasant and happy life. So please know this, just like those animals, bad habits, you can totally retrain your bad thinking habits that you created often through no fault of your own and you didn’t even realize it.
And I also encourage you that now that you’re an adult, it’s time to stop blaming other people. Stop blaming your childhood. Stop blaming your past. Now that you’re an adult, it is your responsibility to correct this bad thinking habit in your brain. It doesn’t help to blame other people or other farms or blame your employees or anyone else for your behavior. When you stop thinking it’s other people’s fault or other circumstances fault. When you stop thinking it’s because you have the wrong website. Only then will you finally get busy creating a life and business that feels fulfilling only when you’re truly able to stop considering how your prices or your farm or your house look to others can you then start to feel secure in your own inherent moral value and worth and when you feel secure in your own inherent value and worth, then you make decisions for yourself about what kind of life you want to create for yourself instead of worrying about how you and your business come across to others.
Sometimes when I ask a coaching client, well, what do they want? They have never stopped and dreamed about what it is they want their business to look like in a year or two or five years. They haven’t considered the future because they’re so caught up in this overwhelming frenzy of trying to prove that they are where they invaluable to others through these behaviors that they’re doing. So they’re stuck working themselves to exhaustion and they have never stopped to ponder what they really dream of. What happens is when you finally free yourself of this constant feeling like you have to prove yourself, you’ll feel like this huge weight has been lifted off your shoulders. Then you make decisions based on confidence knowing that other people’s thoughts, opinions, behavior, buying your products are not Brian, your products saying nice things about you are not saying nice things about you.
This, that behavior no longer validates your worth as a human because your worth as a human is intrinsic and invaluable. Okay? When you free yourself of thinking those things outside of you prove your behavior and you just choose to think it, it’s so freeing you guys, you will finally be able to feel what it feels like to live your day in fulfillment and when you remove the need for others to act a certain way by saying nice things about you. Nice things about your marketing or actually buying something when you remove the need for others to approve of your kids or your house. When you remove that need for them to approve, you feel this deep sense of peace and acceptance wash over you. Life becomes abundant and fulfilling. So remember, it’s no one else’s job to see your value or worth or to make you feel appreciated.
Only you can make yourself feel worthy and valuable and appreciated here that again, no one else is there to make you feel valued or worthy. That’s only your job and only you are capable of doing that just because of how our brains work. And again, I have so much compassion for those of you right now who might not even want to believe this yet. Believe me, I know exactly how it feels to find out that what you’ve been doing and thinking your whole life is the very thing that’s making you unhappy. So you might have to listen to this episode more than once. You can really start to understand it and take that first step toward feeling better. When you let go of needing other people or circumstances to make you feel valued or worthy, you step down off that exhausting downward spiral of shame.
No one else’s words or actions can validate your worth as a human being. It’s not up to them even if they wanted to. Our brains don’t work that way. So whether you sell out of your products at the prices you want or whether you don’t sell a thing, your value, your worthiness is still set in stone. Your worthiness is always at 100% whether you have business success or not, whether your house is clean and your kids are behaved or not, or whether customers come back next season or not, it’s not a reflection of your value. If you never choose to decide that your value and worth is inherent, you’re gonna set yourself up for failure in life or you’re just not going to enjoy life. And yes, this is a decision you make in your head to decide your worth and value is inherent and unchangeable.
If you don’t decide your worth is set, what happens is you take everything personally. You put too much emotional weight on every conversation and everyone else’s actions. You don’t think positive thoughts. You don’t enjoy life because you’re caught up in validating your own sense of worth, and I just want to promise you again, you never have to validate your own worth. It’s already inherent. If someone ever criticizes you, you’re pricing your products, your family, your behavior. It’s none of your business period. They criticize because they’re caught up in this trap of thinking that their worth depends on your behavior. So let it go. Know that it’s never about you. What other people say, what other people are doing. It’s not about you. It’s about their hurt and their pain and their social conditioning. It’s all about them. Let me leave you with this. I want you to know that you are valuable and worthy as is as you are right now.
Whatever that is, just because you exist, your worth and your value is never up for debate. Okay? So if this is of interest to you and you’re ready to start changing this constant feeling of having to prove your worth and constantly feeling overwhelmed by your life and your farm and everything that’s going on, I’d love to work with you. I’d love to help you. I coach both men and women of all ages every single day. You can sign up for a free strategy session if you’re deciding to invest in coaching. That firstname.lastname@example.org forward slash strategy. It’s free so that you can make the decision to invest in coaching for yourself. I often work with clients for months. Let’s stop your constant efforting to prove yourself. Let me help you feel confident, worthy, decisive, calm, abundant, and just have the most amazing sense of self worth and fulfillment and live that amazing life that you’ve always dreamed of.
By the way, when you do this work for yourself, you pass it on to your kids too. They will start to feel this way as well, because if you don’t feel this way, if you feel like you constantly have to prove yourself, that’s what you’re teaching to them too. Okay, so again, come for help you guys. I love doing what I do. It has had an impact on so many in a great way. It’s wonderful to finally let go of all the weight in your life and start feeling, feeling free and focused, and have wonderful relationships. Okay, so again, that link, I will put it in the show notes at sat, three cow marketing.com forward slash. Strategy. Let’s get you some help. All right, take care and thank you for being here.
Thank you so much for tuning in to today’s episode. For more great resources, check out the profitable mindset.com. See you next time.